Number 243 - August 2003

How many computers do you have?
By Carl Deneke; reprinted from the May 02 PC Alamode
Take it from me, when this question is raised you have already lost. There is no hope, none, you are toast. Your SO (Significant Other) is about to receive something they want, something big: new couch, new curtains, night out, new car, even new home, instead of you getting something useful, memory, a bigger hard drive, a faster processor, a bigger monitor.    Occasionally, you can temporally divert attention. "Look is that Paul Newman", "Look is that Big Bird" even the all time, tried and true favorite "You look simply stunning tonight, can I do the dishes for you". Even this supreme sacrifice will only gain you a little time. You must use the time constructively to gather your other geeky friends, to commiserate, and plan how to recover. However, you would never have reached such a desperate juncture (at least not quite as quickly/early) if you had followed the rules below: There is no color but beige.    Beige is blah, beige is bland and every beige looks the same. This is good. For example, the fundamental problem with the iMac is that it comes in a variety of colors, which leads to dialogs like:       "Is that a new computer?"       "This blue one?"       "No that is teal, what happened to the blue one? Just how many do you have?"    Life goes down hill from here. Now beige is better.       "Is that beige a little different?"       "Maybe the dust fell off."    Note ordinarily the mention of dust is not a good strategy, and may lead to work with mop and vacuum, but we all have to make sacrifices for our computers. The mini-tower is good    All mini-towers look alike. They are also easier to hide than full height towers. They can sort of slither behind desks and under benches. Do not cluster computers together    It is better to have one or two under the bed, one or two or three under the workbench and several in the garage, these are all in addition to your main computers of course. Remember that your SO can count. If you must put computers together I recommend you invest in Linux and set up (or attempt to) a Beowulf cluster. Now: "What are those 16 computers doing here?"    "Sixteen computers, Oh no my love, that is just one computer. Why it is much smaller than the IBM 360. Did I ever tell you about the IBM 360 and punch cards..."    Take my word for it by the time you get to the 360 your SO will have tuned you out so completely you can just go off happily mumbling to yourself. When is a computer not a computer?    This is a question of more than semantic interest. Is a naked motherboard or a poor solitary processor a computer, of course not! These are parts. You can have lots of spare parts with out actually having a computer. You need lots of spare parts. So when do parts become a computer? Well, that is hard to say, exactly. Certainly, when everything is together: motherboard, CPU, memory, video, audio, hard disk, floppy disk, complete case (assembled), network card, monitor, and keyboard and equipped with software and all working is certainly a computer. Although in an extreme case it could just be put together to save storage space. However, when this assembly transitions from a computer to spare parts is open to personal interpretation.    So when you come home from the computer show, you can still have parts, a variety of parts certainly but then everyone knows how undependable computers are. See we do have something to thank Microsoft for.    However, it is extremely bad form to actually say: "I just bought some parts, I'll put it all together and see if it works tomorrow."	It is not my computer    Having many computers you may be asked to diagnose or even fix someone else's computer. Do not decline. This is an opportunity.       "Is that a new computer?"       "No, this is Dave's. He wanted me to look at it for him."    Do not say his SO caught him with 17 other computers and he had to get some out of the house. This one is just leaving    If you are especially enterprising you can also be seen taking a computer out. Hint: to get credit you must be seen taking it out.       "I'm taking this computer over to Bruce, he needs it."    You may even be able to temporally swap with people so all of you get credit. This is also a good opportunity to justify those extra parts.       "Yes this is a new 120 Gig hard drive, I'm thinking of putting it in Tom's computer for him." This is not a computer, it is a decoration    Motherboards make very nice decorations for the wall of your computer room. They can also move in and out of cases very discretely. Motherboards are actually higher on the SO scale than calendars of the opposite sex.    Do not ever number your computer, name them and move names around    "Well I have to replace good ol' #23" is not a good way to start a conversation because the next line will be:    "Twenty three! How many computers do you have?!" Everybody needs their own computer.       "Of course, you need your own computer. I bought it just for you."    Then you can personalize her computer with software.    "I got Turbo Tax for you, so you can do the taxes and in 10 years we will save enough money to pay for the computer."    SO's love presents. If your SO wanders away after getting such a nice gift, try hiding in the computer room for several hours.    "I got this computer for your niece. I know that she is only 3 but kids today need to grow up with computers. She'll learn to use the keyboard in just a few years. Besides you would not want her to play on your computer with all the tax stuff on it." This is a good start but you can overdo it.    "I got this computer for your second cousin once removed so he will not fight with your niece over who uses the computer." Hide it in plain view    "Dear, I fixed up this old computer to work just like a VCR."    Do not mention that the fixing up involved a new 120 Gig HD and a $400 video card. Also do not mention that a new VCR costs $69 at Sams or Costco. Just visiting    "Dear this is Tommy, Dave's computer. It's just visiting for a few days while some SO problems get resolved. You know it's good for computers to visit other networks and fill their hard disks with shared programs." It's a backup    "Oh yes that is a new computer. It is a backup for your computer. Everybody says you have to have backups. I got it just for you."    Carl Deneke is a C/C++ SIG leader and long-time Alamo PC member. With thanks to the Food SIG and Roger Welch who's "Old tractors and the men who love them" is a must read for anyone who loves tools and machines.
Number 243 - August 2003